As you could imagine I was chastised and bullied into fixing my issue alone, so after the derogatory comments and embarrassment I searched to find my underwear.

So I could fix this shitty situation.

As simple as this seems all my deepest fears were beginning to be created (as they do when we’re young/impressionable)

The Fear of Being Too Much for People to Help “I need help right now… and nobody’s helping me”

The Fear of Public Shame = Unworthiness “People saw me at my worst, and they didn’t hold me… they humiliated me.”

The Fear That Asking = Burdening “Asking gets me punished or embarrassed. It’s safer to just figure it out alone.”

The Fear of Incompetence or “Childishness” (yes even as a literal child) “I should’ve known how to do this. They expect me to know how. I’m failing!”

But despite all fears against me I cleaned the shit up. Changed my own damn drawers like a war vet. No applause. No backup. Just me, a half-digested food, and the will to survive.

I did the dirty work. Literally.

For a long time, I thought this was just a funny story, and in a way, it still is. But looking back, the more I sit with it, the more I realize it wasn’t just about poop. It was also the moment I realized no one was coming to fix it for me. It was the first time (I can remember at least)

I felt like I had to figure it all out alone.

I was four, caught between two emergencies, not really knowing what to do and the people around me, my siblings, were just kids themselves, doing what teenagers do: roast and move on!

But for me? With this memory now resurfacing, it sticks with me.
It wasn’t just gross, it was formative.
That was my monster origin story.
I cleaned myself up. But just like others I never forgot what it felt like to be laughed at while I was still leaking.

But I learned: don’t be afraid of the mess! The best lessons at times require us to get dirty first.

Just look how Ciara went from our favorite Deadbeat to Russell Wilson. Future was publicly cheating on her while she was carrying his child and even did a song with her opp (Rihanna at the time) “Loveeeeee song” that went platinum in my moms car. He humiliated her online, with millions of people watching, attempting to simplify her to a meme, a lyric, a loss.

I mean, how fucked can he get!

Let’s be honest here, Ciara had to have ruminants of monster in her to be in a public relationship with such a triflin ass nigga. You don’t willingly try to love a person like Future unless you’ve got a little monster in you too.

So let’s analyze Ciara’s own monster moment:

The moment she tried to nurture a storm and then got struck by lightning. The moment she stepped into the fire believing she could handle it. The moment she loved someone more than they loved themselves.

The kind of monster that thinks:

“They won’t hurt me like they hurt them. I see the broken little child underneath.”
“My love will be the antidote. I’m different. I’m the light.”

It’s in the audacity of believing she could fix him in the first place.

Because loving someone like Future, a man publicly committed to his chaos and thinking your love could tame that?

That’s not just hope.
That’s ego.

That’s the kind of emotional grandeur we don’t often admit,
the belief that we’re the exception.
That we can nurture someone out of the dark.
That we are soft enough to change the trajectory of someone hellbent on spiraling.

That’s monster energy, too.
But the good intent kind. The delusional, ego filled, tragic, kind.

And when she decided to drop his ass and let him stargaze from outside, that was her true most monstrous moment. I mean you’ve got to be a monster to be able to leave the person you love most at their lowest. But with a nigga who is legit the opposite version of him.

Instead of retaliating…
She rebranded, leveled up, found peace, started praying in interviews, and made the world think she was unbothered.

But that calm? That silence?

That’s monster energy.

Not because she hurt him but because she refused to be ruined. Letting someone who once had full access to you watch you glow from the outside is cold. But it’s also sacred.

It’s monstrous the way a storm clears out a field. Violent, yes, but necessary for something softer to grow.

Just like my poo story, it seemed as though Ciara’s fear started to become real:

The Fear of Being Taken for granted: “If I can love him into healing, I’ll be worthy.”

The Fear of Never Being Truly Loved: “I bet you start loving me as soon as I love someone else” wink wink

The Fear That Leaving Means Failure: “If I leave, did I fail? Did I give up too soon?”

The Fear That Nobody Else Will Get It Like He Did: “What if no one else makes me feel like he did?”

One thing I recently learned in my couples and family counseling class is that there is no linear causality in relationships. Only circular causality.

For example, imagine a daughter says, “I hit my brother because he took my food.”

The brother responds, “Well, I took her food because she said I could have it.”

Then she says, “Yes, I told him he could have it but that was yesterday!”

He replies, “Well when I ate it today, she didn’t say anything, so I thought it was still okay.”

And she says, “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t realize it was mine until I smelled the food.”

Are you picking up what I’m throwing down? If you ask one person how it started they will always be able to explain how it was trigged by the other person. Regardless if you understand it or not. You cannot not communicate with anyone.

This includes touch, taste, smell, hear and sight. Non-verbal’s, facial expressions even silence is a response! Which is why I love memes! Because they communicate exact emotions without having to say it.

Fuck it let’s talk about Huda and Jeremiah on Love Island this past season. Just for second I know everybody is traumatized by this cast but we got to address it.

Let’s be real.

Yes, Huda has poor coping skills.
She’s loud, chaotic, uses being a mommy to her own convenience, and emotionally volatile. She clearly has some real inner work to do. She’s the type of monster who can’t hide her need to be needed.

The kind who crafts chaos just to prove she matters in the destruction. The kind who burns bridges, then sobs on the ashes like the fire wasn’t hers to begin with.

But Jeremiah?
Jeremiah is the kind of monster who smiles while he withholds.
Who weaponizes silence. Who pretends he didn’t light the match just because he’s not holding the flame anymore. He lets you build a house on vibes and then swears he never handed you bricks.

He’s the kind of monster who doesn’t yell, doesn’t fight, doesn’t scream and still leaves wreckage. Because he knows exactly what he’s doing when he does nothing at all.

As much as Hurricane Huda pissed me off, she’s just the obvious/simple demonstration of a monster here. That is why so many people easily blame her. So it seems as though Jeremiah is innocent… Wrong.

Unintentionally and intentionally he led Huda on. The damn cologne on her bed.
Making sure no one could talk to her as much as him.
Mad accusing her kissing someone on the 2nd DAY!
Had her leaning into fantasy. And when she matched his intensity when she turned up the mirror, he flinched.

But he ‘claimed’ her since the beginning.

Interesting choice of words, right?

Is she Koo koo for coco puffs ABSUHFUCKINGLUTELY. Called him out his name, bullied innocent girls, lied about the things Jeremiah actually said etc…

BUT that nigga had his feet up HAPPY to be in the crazy house when it felt good for him.
That’s a monster. Just a quieter one.

Monsters don’t always wear claws. Sometimes they wear calmness.

Sometimes the most dangerous people are the ones who play soft while moving foul.

This story ain’t about who’s worse it’s about recognizing that emotional immaturity wears many outfits, and some of the most manipulative ones come dressed as “chill” .

And if we don’t name that?
We’re just feeding the myth that toxic behavior is only bad when it is loud.

It’s not. It’s just a more socially accepted.

But if you get anyhting from my post, Know this…:

Being a monster doesn’t mean you escape consequence. Trauma may shape you, but it doesn’t excuse what you do with it. You can be deeply wounded and still owe the world an apology and/or the electric chair for what you chose to pass on.

Documenting pain is not the same as justifying it. Or in any way is this taking accountability. You can be self aware of your issues and still do nothing about it.
And that’s where it gets tricky.

Future isn’t saying “this is wrong.”
He’s often saying:

“This is what it is. And I don’t care if it hurts you.”

That’s not just vulnerability.
That’s weaponized vulnerability. Yes.. you can use vulnerability as a weapon: When someone uses their pain, trauma, or emotional struggles as a tool to manipulate situations or avoid accountability. Instead of vulnerability being used for connection and honesty, it becomes a shield or a strategy to control how others respond.

Some examples below:

“Yes I hurt you, but look what I’ve been through.”

“I’m broken, so I get to break you too.”

“I was abandoned, so I get to ghost my kids.”

“I felt used, so I’ll use these women as placeholders.”

And here’s where we have to say:
It matters what you do with your pain. Because art without reflection can turn into a manual for dysfunction.

He’s not proud of what he became.

He just hates who he was when he cared.

If he can’t be safe, he’ll be significant. If he can’t be loved, he’ll be legendary. Because he’d rather be remembered as a villain than risk being forgotten as a man.

So yes! I was five, stuck in my own mess, and nobody helped. So I cleaned myself up.
That was my first of many monster moments, not the poop, but the loneliness.
The belief that needing help made me unworthy. That being messy meant being alone.

Ciara’s monster moment wasn’t just loving Future it was thinking she could save him. And when she couldn’t, marrying a whole new nigga that was literally nothing like him.
Future already embracing his monster traits that led Ciara to leaving he then turned heartbreak into a weapon and mistaking numbness for power.
Huda’s monster was chaotic. Jeremiah’s monster was cowardly.
Different beasts. Same root.

Fear.

And some of us learn to feed off fear to roar louder, love harder, leave first, disappear.
But Monsters Inc. taught us: you can stop running on fear.
Twilight taught us: stop dying for people who don’t know how to live with you. Cause y’all hoes can’t be apart of the living dead like Bella. Literally ready to die about that dick….

This is why therapy (whatever type) matters.

Because therapy doesn’t erase what happened.
It helps you stop reenacting it.
It doesn’t dismiss your shadow.
It teaches you how to walk with it without letting it run the house.

Some monsters grow teeth.
Others just grow tired.
Tired of begging. Tired of hoping. Tired of pretending not to notice what’s breaking.

Some monsters throw tantrums.
Some throw silence like knives. Or they… you know… actually throw knives.

And some?
Some just learned that if you scare first, you don’t get hurt second.

Because monsters aren’t born that way.
They’re built in moments no one showed up.
In childhood bathrooms and grown-ass bedrooms.
In songs we played on loop to prove we weren’t the only ones aching.

Shit like:
“I know your true feelings ain’t-
They couldn’t be here, you hear me?
They gotta be somewhere else”– Future “Throw Away”

We don’t become terrifying by accident.
We become terrifying when we think that’s the only way to be seen.

We all carry something sharp. Something shadowed.
Something that doesn’t want to be left again.

But what matters is what we do with it.

Do we weaponize it?
Or do we walk with it?

So if you’ve ever shit yourself, messed up in class, tripped in front of the whole party, waved back at someone who wasn’t even waving at you, stayed in a relationship, job, or event too long, left too soon, kept quiet out of fear, or scared someone because you thought love meant control…

You’re not hopeless.

You’re just human.
But deep down… I believe you know you’re a monster too.

And if this called you out… then you’re already aware it actually is in fact that deep (Shit, it called me out too so… i’m finna reflect)