read or listen, your choice

It ain’t the damn devil

It’s not Queen Naija

Can’t blame it on the Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-Ahl-Cohollll like Jamie an nem said

It’s not Zeus Network or Tyler Perry

Not the ex from 7th grade

We can’t even blame the FBI though I’m sure we actually could find a way.

And Todd didn’t come to us with the bullshit

We have to stop blaming other shit for our outcomes in life. And not because these things/people have no correlation!

I’m sure your mom making you try on clothes in an aisle really did scar you till this day. Listen I still feel a way about the teacher who forced me to read in front of the class as much as the next person.

But we collectively need to put more power into ourselves and our choices. When we form the mindset that we have autonomy over our goals, decisions and path; our options begin to seem endless.

Life is all about perspective. You and another person could have the “same” experiences and feel/think/act two totally different ways about it.

Our paths might seem similar but the process there never is. This is important because you can never truly overcome something by copying another. We force ourselves into powerless positions when we simplify our experiences.

With that being said….

Do you ever wonder why the same shit keeps happening to you?

Pattern recognition

The saying “The way you do one thing is the way you do everything” is arguably one of the best sentiments I’ve ever learned. There’s many different forms of pattern recognition but to start simply I’ll talk about how I tend to do/feel about everything.

My core pattern is I only give my full energy to what feels emotionally meaningful ,spiritually aligned, and energetically “right,” and once I’m connected, I show up with total intensity, devotion, and depth. But with that! I tend to operate on a extreme scale. Because once my soul isn’t in it, go ahead and count me out.

I’m like a sim, if I feel uninspired… shit won’t get done. I need energy or meaning to do a task so when I clean, cook, or email it is usually when said vibe is there. Which tends to bite me in the ass often because these bills don’t care about vibes.

Similarly in my conflicts with others I’m very chill/understanding up until a value is violated. Then my reaction is strong because I don’t play about peace or respect. So when you got me fucked up…… you gon feel it. I’m very patient until you really took it there and now you’re blocked, dismissed and banished.

Forever

But enough about my mental illness. What reigns true for you?

Are you the “Control Planner”? Only feel safe when you can control outcomes so everything you do is pre-planned to avoid chaos. So always checking reviews before trying a restaurant, 3 backup chargers and hating surprises. That fear of unpredictability = fear of vulnerability = fear of disappointment. Chill out, there’s no rule book to life.

Maybe you’re the “Performer”. Curating yourself for approval; identity is shaped through others’ perception. So getting excited with how many reactions you get in the group chat, ‘aesthetic’ is priority or break dancing in the middle of the damn club. Validation = survival. “If they like me, I matter”.

Maybe you’re the Chaos Creator”. Chaos gives you stimulation. Peace feels boring. Always late, losing wallet, thrives with pressure. Starts drama in relationships subconsciously, impulsive spending, thrives in creative bursts. Doesn’t want a routine life, rebels against structure, becomes a genius in their field because of how freely they think.

Now there is a plethora of types but notice how every type has a core survival style, it shows up in tiny habits, repeats in relationships and can define career or purpose. This is why the concept is so powerful. Your smallest habits tell on yourself.

You don’t have to be one type either! You can be a mixture of things. Patterns repeat across humans BUT the source, the flavor, and outcome of the pattern is personal. One might do it because of trauma, because they’re indecisive, because they fear failure or because they’re fantasy-avoidant or fantasy addicted. Patterns ask…

Why do I do this?

What does it say about my wiring?

What does it cost me?

What does it give me?

Whatever that is for you is what makes it not a universal experience.

Let’s dig even deeper! One of the clearest places I saw one of my own patterns was in a group counseling class I recently took.

We all evolved through group spaces. The first one happens to be our family. I started as the quiet observer. The kid who learned to listen first because talking in a loud household felt pointless. Not speaking was never about not knowing; it was about calculating when it was safe or meaningful to say something.

With my silence, I was able to read group dynamics and develop a strong internal world. I was limited when expressing my emotions and believed my voice only mattered when it was explicitly needed.

College sharpened my voice. I became president of multiple orgs (BSU and AKA), a mentor, the person people went to for direction and grounding. And I loved being able to empower others but I also realized I felt most comfortable leading because leadership gave me permission to speak. When I wasn’t the leader, I felt unsure, like I didn’t know where my voice fit or if it was needed.

Like if I was Michelle in Destiny’s child I was gon be compliant and listen to Beyonce. I’ll deliver on the bridge but that’s really it.

Then grad school and group counseling humbled me.
For the first time, my job wasn’t to run the room. It was simply to exist in it. No title. No agenda. Just me. And that meant my raw, unpolished thoughts had to show up without a plan or a podium. I didn’t trust my unfiltered voice. I trusted my prepared one.

But sitting in that circle taught me something I didn’t know I needed:

My voice has value even when I’m not leading.
Even when my thoughts are forming in real time.
Even when I’m not the one giving structure or direction.

I can speak without having a thesis.
I can exist in a group without having to “earn” my place.

And learning that changed how I see myself in every room I walk into.

So think about how you show up in your family, teams, classrooms even with co-workers! Who are you then? Because that will also unveil another pattern you may be missing!

So now I’m not constantly buffering I try to say what spills out of my mouth. Because who gon check me?… Exactly. And that’s how you should think too. Or maybe you need to think a little more before speaking. Maybe it is time for you to learn how to shut the fuck up… You know who you are.

Okay, here’s a third and last level deeper into the concept of pattern recognition that might blow your mind!

Because if you thought I didn’t have something even kookier to say you’re wildly mistaken.

So boom fast-forward to me beginning EMDR therapy.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing.
Basically, it uses bilateral stimulation rhythmic movement side-to-side to help your brain process stuck memories and emotions.

Why?
Because when both sides of your nervous system are engaged, your brain can finally file old emotional stuff where it belongs.

It’s literally like your mind goes:
“Ohhh, that memory isn’t a threat anymore. Let me place it back on the shelf instead of replaying it forever.”

You can do bilateral movement in different ways:

• Watching a light move left → right → left
• Following someone’s finger or pencil with your eyes
• Holding tapping buzzers in each hand (they alternate)
• Some people even walk or sway rhythmically anything side-to-side can work

And no, it’s not hypnosis.
You’re awake. You’re aware.
You just finally access thoughts your brain normally keeps in the attic. I do this type of therapy because I’m overly self aware so just speaking doesn’t aid me as much.

Also, side note, bilateral movement in general can help calm your brain, not just in trauma therapy.

If you struggle with:

• falling asleep
• racing thoughts
• anxiety spikes
• overthinking before bed

Try gentle left-right tapping, finger tracing, or even scrolling slowly side-to-side on apps. Your nervous system loves rhythm. It is why you sway back in forth when nervous or holding a baby!

Back to the story

So I’m sitting there, doing my little eye-gymnastics, and suddenly I remember something absolutely humiliating:

I was obsessed with my baby bottle.

Like… tooo long.

Like kindergarten-grade long…..

Not teenage on intervention long but still, longer than the pediatric community would approve of.

And I wasn’t sipping casually. I was RIDE OR DIE for that bottle. That was my emotional support iPad before iPads existed.

My cousins came over? Bottle hidden like it was contraband.
My dad tried to take it away from me one day?

Full psychological break.
Like, do not play with me and my plastic nipple.

At 5 I was fighting for my life over a baby accessory.

And in EMDR it hit me.

That was my first self-soothing ritual.

And guess what my grown self does now? Which I also remembered when tracking the light with my eyes.

Every time I talk off-the-dome in class, after I say something vulnerable in general, or if I feel ~emotionally naked/uneasy~?

I grab my water bottle and sip like it’s a life support tube.

Not thirsty.
Not dehydrated.
Just out here drankin like I’m Yonce on Drunk in Love.

After this realization I was in that therapy session quiet as a nigga’s mom who knows her son is cheating on you.

Because here’s the gag:
That wasn’t about the bottle.
That was about comfort, safety, and giving myself permission to exist.

Which leads me into realizing historically my mouth/throat area has always been where my emotions live:

• I’ve always had throat/chest mucus issues
• I bite me lip when anxious or bored
• A lymphatic massage lady literally told me my whole jaw area was locked like Fort Knox
• I had a random chocking problem (stories for another time)
• People often told me I talked less than “normal kids”

It’s not random.
My body always knew I didn’t feel safe to speak freely.
So it kept soothing itself quietly.

And now, in adulthood?

My self-soothing evolved from a baby bottle to a Stanley cup.
Character development? Yes.
Same nervous system? Also yes.

And this is exactly why I’m obsessed with noticing patterns
because sometimes the thing we think is “just a little habit”
is actually our inner child saying:

“I’m still here. I’m still trying to feel safe.”

So now I ask you, what weird little comfort-thing do you do that might be deeper?

Do you pace when you’re processing?
Peel the label off a water bottle without noticing?
Scroll in circles instead of choosing something to watch?
Hold your breath when concentrating?
Shake your leg under the table like you’re powering the room?
Zone out mid-conversation then pretend you didn’t?
Bite the inside of your cheek when you’re anxious?

And many more…

Your body keeps the score way before your brain catches up.

Once we notice our patterns, we start seeing them everywhere.
Not just in therapy, not just in childhood, but in the tiny everyday moments too.

And honestly? That’s where it gets funny.
Because it stops being deep and starts being like, “Oh… I really am like this, huh.” Like I’m still that baby who threw up on her first day of kindergarten from anxiety.

I know. I was such a fun kid right!

And that realization brings us right here — to the day-to-day chaos of how we operate. What started in my body didn’t stay there. It followed me into how I move through the world.

I over-curate internally before expressing externally. Hence why this blog has taken me so damn long to publish.

I mean I’m literally working with clients this semester! Which is why I really feel obligated now to get my voice out there.

So a loving message to me and you: HOE WHEN ARE WE EVER READY FOR ANYHTING?

If you’re like me an you must FEEL like you or you don’t do daily tasks. That’s great and all until your car is constantly on E, you’re trying to save the world, have a perfect blog, on my last roll of toilet paper, holding in pee because you got shit to do and squeezing the damn toothpaste bottle knowing there’s nothing left in that bitch.

Again capitalism doesn’t give a fuck about potential and emotional symbolism.

Learning these patterns have driven me to not only embrace it but not let them hold me back anymore.

I have to express even when I don’t feel all the way confident. Because my thoughts are important whether I broke my brain to curate them or not.

The act of impulse is such a beautiful thing; because sometimes your first thought is worth it.

Funny enough, my quote of today was Vincent Van Gogh: “If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”

And I truly do believe what is done in love is done well.

I love writing and I love helping others. And love everyone who went out of your way to read what I love to talk about.

So thank you.

I hope my writing helps you just as much as it helps me to externally express it. Like I said when I first started this I am not the almighty knowing and I hope we all have the opportunity to learn from each other. Ask your friends and family about their patterns maybe you can see things that align with you!

And to think I was scared to share. At this point I’ve talked about my obsession with a bottle beyond my years, a freaked out post on deeply knowing yourself and my first blog I even talk about being currently cross-faded…

Like don’t you love whatever is wrong with me!?

Figure out where you repeat, where you resist and where you return to yourselves.

Keep returning to yourself over and over, in deeper ways, as the person you’ve been all along. If nothing else, this post here is why my tag line is what it is below!

Patterns don’t lie. Sometimes it’s growth, sometimes it’s projection or it could’ve been Uh scheemeee that Todddd set up for him to come TO YOU WITH DA BULLSHIT…… Either way it’s absolutely in fact that damn deep.

• Instagram